Just kind of… meh

Good afternoon, just me again getting back into my old blogging routine. When I did my GearBunch pants review, I never really gave an excuse for being absent. I feel like I typically don’t. Besides the point, I was also thinking about what my self-love post should be for February since I said I wanted to continue writing them since I and all of you loved reading them. This is not necessarily a self-love per say, more like a self-realization post and calling myself out on some things that I do quite often and sort of just getting thoughts out on google docs I suppose.

I’ve been bad recently. Really bad. Mentally. I’ve been decent physically by working out, eating right (most of the time), drinking water, and otherwise. My sleep schedule not so great but I’m in college what do you expect?

I’m really struggling so much mentally right now and I have no idea who I can talk to about it. Like I feel like none of my friends I’m close enough to say that I’m struggling (or we’re in weird places and I just don’t know yet) and my family doesn’t really care so I’m just putting it all out here.

I don’t want sympathy or pity comments I just don’t know how else to share what I’m feeling other than by writing typing it out.

I’ve been crying a lot recently. A lot. Like every other day. I’ve also been keeping to myself more, seeing fewer people, spending more time in my room, cooped up, etc.

I’m struggling because I can’t tell if I’m unhappy or depressed. Like do I hate OU, do I have no friends, am I struggling to find a purpose? OR are my little brain molecules back to not producing? I  really can’t tell. I think it’s the latter because I have friends, and things I enjoy (not recently) and I love Ohio, but I’m just not sure about anything right now.

I want to go to therapy or something (my roommate and I talked about both of us going but she’s been really different this semester so I don’t know), but therapy doesn’t work for me because I lie and then my therapist thinks I’m fine and then sends me on my merry way.

I just really need someone in my life to be like ‘hey you’re going to be okay, you’ve got this’ but I truly don’t see that happening anytime soon.

So, in advance, if my posting is shitty in the coming weeks, I apologize, but I’m doing my best and right now I’m putting 1000% of my energy to getting out of bed, going to class, and getting work done and when there’s extra energy for seeing my friends, going to the gym, and blogging you’ll have a post.

I hope this all made sense

❤ Alicia ❤

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