Just kind of… meh

Good afternoon, just me again getting back into my old blogging routine. When I did my GearBunch pants review, I never really gave an excuse for being absent. I feel like I typically don’t. Besides the point, I was also thinking about what my self-love post should be for February since I said I wanted to continue writing them since I and all of you loved reading them. This is not necessarily a self-love per say, more like a self-realization post and calling myself out on some things that I do quite often and sort of just getting thoughts out on google docs I suppose.

I’ve been bad recently. Really bad. Mentally. I’ve been decent physically by working out, eating right (most of the time), drinking water, and otherwise. My sleep schedule not so great but I’m in college what do you expect?

I’m really struggling so much mentally right now and I have no idea who I can talk to about it. Like I feel like none of my friends I’m close enough to say that I’m struggling (or we’re in weird places and I just don’t know yet) and my family doesn’t really care so I’m just putting it all out here.

I don’t want sympathy or pity comments I just don’t know how else to share what I’m feeling other than by writing typing it out.

I’ve been crying a lot recently. A lot. Like every other day. I’ve also been keeping to myself more, seeing fewer people, spending more time in my room, cooped up, etc.

I’m struggling because I can’t tell if I’m unhappy or depressed. Like do I hate OU, do I have no friends, am I struggling to find a purpose? OR are my little brain molecules back to not producing? I  really can’t tell. I think it’s the latter because I have friends, and things I enjoy (not recently) and I love Ohio, but I’m just not sure about anything right now.

I want to go to therapy or something (my roommate and I talked about both of us going but she’s been really different this semester so I don’t know), but therapy doesn’t work for me because I lie and then my therapist thinks I’m fine and then sends me on my merry way.

I just really need someone in my life to be like ‘hey you’re going to be okay, you’ve got this’ but I truly don’t see that happening anytime soon.

So, in advance, if my posting is shitty in the coming weeks, I apologize, but I’m doing my best and right now I’m putting 1000% of my energy to getting out of bed, going to class, and getting work done and when there’s extra energy for seeing my friends, going to the gym, and blogging you’ll have a post.

I hope this all made sense

❤ Alicia ❤

Frustrated

This has been a word that has taken up a big part of my vocabulary recently, and for more reasons than one, some which I’d rather not admit.

The reason I’ve chosen this word out of any other is because in all of many babysitting gigs that I have, the one thing that I’ve learned it’s that children get angry and throw tantrums because they are frustrated.

They are frustrated because they think they aren’t being listened to or aren’t being understood or for a variety of other reasons.

This summer I have found myself relating to a 3 year old more than I’d like to. What Ella can get accomplished in kicking and screaming, I cannot. That in itself is frustrating

When I was in Peru, I was happy, generally happy, and that is something I haven’t felt in a while. Since returning from Peru, I haven’t felt happy whatsoever. That is frustrating.

My family adopted a dog (more on that later) and I’m virtually the only one who cares for her. I feed her every day, take her out every other hour, play with her, make sure she takes her pills, everything. My mom pays for it yeah, but that’s the easy part. My dad usually takes her out before he goes to bed and my sister only takes her out if no one else is home. I love my dog but she isn’t ‘my dog’ and when I call her mine everyone gets pissed off but when I say  that I’m the only one who takes care of her, everyone still gets pissed off. That is frustrating.

My dog has heartworm. If she gets too excited or excited at all really, she could die, and no one seems to care. That is frustrating.

I had secured a job paying $18 an hour (I would have made $4000 by the time I went back to school)  for the next 6 weeks and then it was taken right out from under my feet. That is frustrating.

My sister has some mental stuff going on and is getting treated for it (I’m not saying that’s bad at all, yay for getting help) but my parents seem to only care about her and not me whatsoever. No matter what I do or say nothing matters except my sister. They get mad at me for speaking my mind or for things I didn’t do. That is frustrating.

After writing all of these things down on virtual paper, they seem so miniscule, but as I sit here with damp cheeks it’s so freeing to get everything out.

Well, I have to go make my bed on the kitchen floor (also more about that later) so here’s to blotchy cheeks and bad backs.

Alicia

Renaissance Woman

Hello everyone and happy Thursday to you all. It is currently 12:29 am and I am frivolously typing away on my keyboard, my sleep deprived eyes drooping every few clicks of the keys.

My entire life I have never wanted to do one thing. I have never been that girl who has wanted to be a surgeon or a teacher or an artist since she was 6 years. I wasn’t that girl who applied to two schools because they had the major she wanted and great internship and job opportunities, pertaining to her major, upon graduation.

I was the girl who wanted to be a princess, an artist, an actress, a writer, a  mathematician, an actuary, a business woman, a world traveler, a math teacher, a nutritionist, a marine biologist, an english teacher, and so many more by the time she was 18. I applied to over 15 schools because I couldn’t make up my mind about anything.

I always used to think this was because nothing interested me. I was a depression filled, anxiety ridden teen, who couldn’t be wooed by one thing or another.

It wasn’t that nothing interested me, it’s that everything interests me. There is not one thing I can see myself doing for the rest of my life, not because I want to do nothing, but because I want to do everything. I want to star in a hollywood production, see the aurora borealis, do someone’s taxes, invent something, learn about animals, and help a struggling teenager get into college.

There isn’t one job that fits me. I am a puzzle piece that fits into every puzzle while simultaneously doesn’t fit into any.

I think I keep thinking about this because I don’t want to transfer again. I need to pick Ohio or DePaul and I need to pick one soon. My grandfather keeps pressuring me to visit DePaul, call DePaul, look at DePaul’s website and so on, and it is making me want to rip my hair out.

What happens if I pick DePaul and then want to do something else with my life that DePaul doesn’t offer? Or if the same thing happens at Ohio.

As I lay in my blanket burrito, and as my anxious thoughts completely take over me, I wonder… why does no one else have this problem? Why did every single person I know apply to 5 or less colleges and then just pick one? No one transfered, no one waited until April 30th to make an admission decision, no one is laying in their bed, two years later trying to find a new school so they don’t make the same mistakes they had made two years prior.

The only sounds I hear are of a dog snoring next to me in bed (we are only watching her for a week… unfortunately) but inside my head is like a Final Four March Madness game.

Everyone keeps telling me that it doesn’t matter where you go to school, but let’s be honest… it does. I have to like it, it has to be affordable, and they have to have a major(s) that I like and want to pursue.

I like both schools and  once I get financial aid we will talk about affordability. However, the latter, the majors are what I’m coping with. The difference in majors along with my inability to make a commitment and stand by it are the reasons I am still up at 12:48am with a loud and messy head.

I keep weighing the pros and cons. Both schools have pros. Both have cons. Both pros outweigh the cons and there isn’t one that stands out to me. I think I need to just go to DePaul one day and then see if I can get back to Ohio for a few days to really see if I can picture myself on either campus.

Sorry for all the rambling but writing is my way of thinking.

On the bright side, just about 2 weeks till Peru. I have begun packing, and am talking to a girl about going to Machu Picchu over Easter. Half of my life is stressing about college and the other half is pure joy about going to Peru and volunteering. I guess that’s compromise for you…

Alicia

Life Update

Hi everyone, it’s still me (buddhisttvegann), I just did a little bit of vamping to my blog as in a new header, blog title, and URL, but it is still me. I won’t be changing my content or anything, same old same old. Just new.

So, I’ve been home from school for about a month and I just realized I haven’t said anything that’s going on in my life since April or before. I’ve finished my freshman year at San Diego State, did pretty well, and somewhat sort of deciding on attending to Arizona State. I really don’t want to but it seems I have no choice. I really don’t know what I’m going to do. But I have to decide quick, really quick. Because as of right now I have 9 weeks until I am supposed to go to Phoenix.

I also got a job, which I mentioned in one of my earlier posts, and am babysitting like there’s no tomorrow to make as much money as I can.

I have also decided to give up social media for the summer. I will still blog on here of course but I’ve deleted instagram, twitter, facebook, and snapchat and will probably keep this up all summer. I’m sick of people and the internet and can’t wait to see how this summer will be different. I’m sick of everyone being obsessed with social media as I was and it’s been nice for the past few days not being confined to my phone.

All for now,

Alicia

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