Change

Good afternoon everyone. I am currently supposed to be reading a chapter for my  Intro to Education class, so naturally, I thought I would sit down and write something.

For the past few weeks, I have been doing a lot of reflecting… and a lot of homework, but let’s not discuss that. Something that always makes me anxious is change. However, all of my best memories came from when I made a big change. Going to San Diego, going vegan, taking a year off of school, going to Peru, transferring to Ohio, joining CHAARG… I could go on. So, then why is it that change makes us so anxious? Why is it that that cancel plans, don’t start new projects, and give up on goals when those are the things we know can/will be in our best interest. Change is so good for us, for our body, for our mind. So good. Why do we fear change?

Today is the start of CHAARG’s fall fit plan and I woke up bright and early at 630 to get to the gym by 730 and get that workout in before my day started. It is also the start of the second half of the semester (seems like just yesterday I was crying in Baker’s 5th-floor bathroom) and I have realized something, I need to stop hating change. Change is hard, change can be messy, and change can be scary, but it can also be incredible, exhilarating, and well worth it.

I am going to try to make a few changes in my life and I will be trying a new change each week of the fitplan (fitplan is 6 weeks so 6 goals).

My goal for this week is to eat at the dining halls… ALONE. Something that has always made me so anxious is being alone. I don’t want to seem like a loner. I feel the need to call someone every time I’m walking alone. If I can’t walk alone… how can I eat alone? In my 7 weeks at OU, I have eaten at a dining hall 5 times… each and every one of those times I was with at least one person.

This afternoon, I walked into the dining hall, alone, and I got food. I got the food to go, mainly because I had homework to attend to but also because I was uncomfortable, but I swiped in aloe nonetheless. I am trying to go to the dining hall daily for lunch (except Tuesdays because I work during the lunch hours) and sit in a little booth, alone. I can work on homework, fiddle on my phone or just simply sit, but I need to be able to be alone, comfortably, in public.

Alicia

World Mental Health Day

Today is world mental health day. One year ago I made a post called “Society Told Me.” Today, that post still rings true and still hits close to home. Today I want to share that post again but change it up a little bit to share how I have changed in the past 365 days. I hope you enjoy.


This year, World Mental Health Day has once again exploded on Twitter. My friends, acquaintances, and social media influencers near or far remarking on their mental health struggles. Each time I see a tweet, or a photo, or a comment about any mental illness it makes me smile knowing there are so many people of all shapes, sizes, and colors from all corners of the Earth that struggle with the same issues that I do. I admire each and every one of you for speaking out about the struggles you face on a day to day basis, despite society constantly dehumanizing us for having them.

Mental illnesses have always been something I struggled with. Although when I first started struggling I didn’t know they were called mental illnesses and I merely thought I was some emo freak who wanted to die for attention, because that’s what society told me.

I can remember the first time I ever thought about killing myself in seventh grade and how I thought I would never be happy. I remember thinking that I belonged in an insane asylum which is why it showed up in every single one of my seventh-grade art projects. I laughed it off but secretly thought I belonged in one, because that’s what society told me.

I can remember the first night I self-harmed and how I had to cover my arms and legs and stomach at all costs in fear of someone calling me out for being a freak and ostracizing me, because that’s what society told them to do.

I can remember defending one of my friends for cutting and saying she was just like us. Each of them told me I was “as crazy as her” for saying something like that, and they were afraid she would kill herself because of the cutting, because that’s what society told them, that everyone who cuts is emo and will kill themselves.

I can remember when I last had a self-harm relapse. 306 days ago. I can remember thinking that I would never be clean again and that I would hurt myself forever. Because that’s what society told me.

I can remember being happy. How everyone said, “you’re smiling, you aren’t depressed.” people who have depression aren’t happy. They don’t smile. That’s what society told them.

But guess what. Depression doesn’t have a face. You can smile with friends during the day and cry yourself to sleep at night. I will say it again: Depression does not have a face. Mental illness does not have a face.

Here I am, 8 years after I wanted to kill myself for the first time. I’ll admit, I still do sometimes… yes even now. The feeling sometimes passes quicker than others, but I know it won’t make everything better.

Today I want society to piss off. Mental illnesses are normal. 1 in 4 people have them. Mental illnesses have no face, people who live with mental illnesses can function in everyday society just like those without. I  want society to stop romanticizing mental illnesses. Depression isn’t cute. Anxiety is not a trend. Suicide is not a good idea, no matter what society tells you.

The last thing anyone wants to hear is that it gets better, but the one thing everyone needs to hear is that you are not alone. I needed to hear that 8 years ago, I needed to hear that last night.

This day exists so that can be visible. We may feel alone often, but we aren’t. If you are struggling, get help, no matter how hard it is for you. I waited 5 years and every day I wish I had gotten it sooner. Get help before it’s too late.

Society has dehumanized people with mental illnesses and this is our day, to show that we are humans and we are just as capable. Everyone fights their own battles, mine just take place inside of me.

Exhausted yet content

Howdy friends,

I just said howdy… Ohio is changing me. Just figured I would give a bit of a life update on this fine Monday night. Mainly because I want to do something but my brain is too fried (will get to why in a minute) to do any homework. Thank the grammar gods for Grammarly and spell check because I can that without them… I would not be able to be posting right now.

Anyway, this weekend I was able to go home for the first time since school started! It was Homecoming but that didn’t stop me because I can honestly say that cuddling with my dog for 3 days is much more fun than getting blackout drunk.

I left bright and early Thursday morning at 5:15am and made it to Chicago at around 4:30pm. From there I went home, cried upon seeing my dog, and just recuperated from the long day of travel.

Friday, I had a doctor’s appointment, then I didn’t… but then rescheduled it for the next morning. After my doctor mishap, I was able to drive to my grandparents’ house and surprise them. Seeing the two of them was great and they both cried when they saw me. After talking for a few hours about school and life we went to dinner because I hadn’t had a good meal yet. I missed PASTA. They are both doing good and kept saying how lovely of a surprise it was to have me come home. It’s the little things. 🙂

Saturday morning I finally had my doctor’s appointment with a VERY ATTRACTIVE doctor that I’d never seen before. I went in for some ear pain and a fluid feeling but apparently, there’s no infection (always good) so I got some Flonase and was told to hope for the best.

Post-doctor appointment, I got my dad and I Dunkin Donuts. I MISSED GOOD COFFEE. Starbucks is always good but I missed Dunkin. I then showered, made myself look less ugly and my family and I ventured to the city to go to the Art Institute. We had lunch, saw some art, tried not to kill all of the tourists in the city for the marathon and had a grand ol’ time until I decided I wanted cupcakes. This prompted the 25-minute drive to Swirlz for some vegan gluten-free deliciousness.

The rest of the weekend was a bit of a blur, filled with homework, shopping trips, dinner with my grandparents again, and spending as much time with Poppy as I could before I had to leave again last night. I had a 12-hour journey from Chicago to Indianapolis to Columbus to Athens to my dorm and let me tell you, I am exhausted. I napped on and off on the bus while simultaneously trying to ensure that none of my belongings got stolen.

Nonetheless, I made it back home to my dorm, unpacked, showered, and have been living my life as if that weekend hadn’t even happened.

I’ll be back in 6 weeks Chicago

Alicia

PS I’ve never felt such a sense of calm and fear as I did in a bus station at 430 in the morning

Fall Mixtape

Hi everyone! We are back in action with another Playlist. It’s finally starting to feel like fall (not the weather but there are leaves on the ground and I’m wearing sweaters in the blistering 85 degrees because it is October for Pete’s sake. So, for my fall playlist, here we go

Not too sure why most of these were like love songs… maybe I’m in the lovey mood. COUGH COUGH WINK WINK ANY BOY LOVE ME

Happy fall everyone

Alicia

Thinking Greek thoughts

Recently, it has come to my attention all of the negative connotations of Greek Life. I decided to rush again here at OU (I ended up dropping for various reasons I will address later) and upon signing up and going through the motions, I have seen firsthand the negative comments from both male and female parties across not only this campus but among others.

Throughout my time at both of my schools, I have had my fair share with Greek Life members. There have definitely been a few annoying sorority girls and some douchey frat boys, but that’s not to say I haven’t met girls outside of sororities who haven’t been annoying, and I know PLENTY of douchey guys without an SAE snapback. I just don’t understand why this stereotype still exists on those involved in Greek Life and people are so adamant about hating those involved.

This past week was Ohio’s recruitment process and in one of my Friday classes, this girl looked very cute, donning a floral romper, with hair curled to perfection and a full face of makeup. She sauntered into the lecture full of confidence ready for her rounds that day, bringing her closer to finding her sisterhood. A beefy blonde boy sat down next to her and hollered out “More sorority shit, huh?” The look on her face went from runway model to lost puppy in the rain. This girl was ecstatic about tonight’s festivities and this boy came down and crushed it. She responded with a meek “mhmm” and reached into her backpack for that class’ materials.

Friday night, I partook in the rush process as well. It was a bit chilly out and I had on a dress and scarf. I was anxious for the night so I called one of my best friends. I hadn’t told too many people I was rushing because it just never came up. While on the phone with her, I told her that I was rushing and had a break in between houses. I received a scoff from her end of the phone followed by, “sororities are stupid. Don’t pay for your friends.” She isn’t in a sorority and I’m almost certain she knows no one who is in a sorority. How does she know they’re stupid? She doesn’t. I proceeded to tell her that everything you pay for is all for something: shirts, formals, retreats, fundraising, the house, and so many other things. She decided, prior to this conversation, that it did not matter what I told her about sororities, she thought they were stupid as the icy sentence of “they’re stupid… but that’s just my opinion.” came out of her mouth and almost stabbed me through the phone. I called a friend because I wanted to think about something other than my anxieties of the night, and she just went and tripled them.

I ended up dropping out of the recruitment process that night, for a variety of reasons. One: the house I really liked was the most expensive of the 10 chapters. 2: The cruel opinions of Greek Life of almost everyone I know. Moreso I feel, because of the latter. Everyone says that it will work out in the end and maybe it’s better I didn’t join.. I will have more money for clothes and traveling and Christmas presents, but I might have found my long lost best friend had I stayed in the process. Who knows? I’m just wondering if due to the negative opinions of Greek life that is held by so many, it stops other girls from going Greek just as it had stopped me. Why can’t we let everyone just do their own thing? Why must we judge everyone for things they love? I just don’t get it

Alicia

Hello October

Or Hello October 3rd. Even though the month has already started, I still wanted to make my monthly goals. Do you have any goals for October?

  1. Go out at least once- most people are saying “go out less” but I haven’t been out all semester so I think I’ll go out for Halloween weekend, even though I work and have 3 tests the next week. My roommate, her friend, and I are going to be Buzz Lightyear, Woody, and Jessie from Toy Story
  2. Go to at least 3 CHAARG Spotlights- Each Wednesday, CHAARG has a group come to our rec center and they hold a workout session. I have been a bit anxious to go the last 2 times so I will be going to the spotlight on Tuesday and then i will attempt to go to 2 other (there are 5 total)
  3. Go to the gym 5 days a week- This was on my September goals but I’ve been slacking so it’s back for round 2
  4. Start listening to podcasts- I don’t know by who or about what, but I really want to listen to at least 1 podcast a week because yes, music is awesome, but you can learn so much from podcasts
  5. Explore Athens- While Athens is a pretty small city, there is so much to do around campus. I want to go to the farmer’s market at least once and head to a coffee shop or a cute boutique.

Those are my goals for October. What are yours?

Alicia

 

September Wrap up

And just like that, September is over. I have been shitty about posting but with work, class, homework, and sleep… your girl was busy. However, I still would like to wrap up and reflect on my September goals.

  1. Finish all of my homework the day BEFORE it is due. CHAMPION. I have been on top of all of my classes (knock on wood). Some days I have been doing work the day it’s due but at least I am getting it donw.
  2. Go to the gym 5 (or more) days a week. I am struggling with this. I love my roommate to pieces but she gets out of bed most days at 11 and I feel really bad for getting up. I try to set out my stuff most nights but my bed is comfy. I’m working on it though
  3. Call or Facetime my family at least twice a month. I talk to my dad almost every day, I try to call my sister on friday nights (she usually doesn’t answer) and I’ve talked to my mom twice in the last week so that’s a win right? Also I go home this weekend so I’ll talk to them then
  4. Practice good hygiene.I have been so freaking good about skincare omg my skin looks so good. It’s amazing what a solid routine and minimal stress will do for you
  5. Go to club meetings. I’ve been doing really well with CHAARG but all of the other clubs I want to join are Mondays while I have class. So I obviously can’t go to those.

 

How did you all do on your September goals?

Alicia