Life changes

I was listening to Thomas Rhett’s new album today and his song “Life Changes” really struck me. I was having a dance party alone in my room and started sobbing, something I’ve been doing quite a bit in my last year on this Earth.

I was always a rule follower. I did my homework, got straight A’s (for the most part), and did everything that was expected of me. I’ve never told anyone this but I’ve been thinking about the real reasons I left San Diego. I tell everyone I left because I changed my major. I really don’t believe that to be true. I tell everyone that San Diego has a crappy education program and I’m here because this one is better. I don’t know anything about San Diego’s education program if I’m being honest. It’s just easier.

I think the real reason I left San Diego was that I didn’t have a lot of friends there. Quality over quantity, I know, but I didn’t have any. There were people I talked to daily, because of class or we lived in the same building, but I didn’t have anyone I really connected with. I tried joining a sorority, I tried going places and joining clubs but I really just couldn’t make any friends. In November, my aunt and my friend Marisa, both ganged up on me to try and convince me to go to ASU. I couldn’t say no and I applied, got in, and was going to major in chemical engineering because that’s what my family thought was best.

It took me about 19 years to be a rule breaker, to go against the current, to say no to something. It changed my life. Taking a year off and changing my major to education was one of the most terrifying and exhilarating things I have ever done in my life.

That year-long break has made me a hard worker, made me break out of my shell, given me beautiful and kind friends, allowed me to see the world in all of its glory, and so much more.

I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting today. This past month was one of a terrifying months of my entire life. Starting college is a life-changing experience and I loved my freshman year at San Diego State (it’s San Diego.. What’s there to hate) but starting college a second time… that was terrifying.

Most people never thought that I would return to school after taking a year off, and I started to believe them. Maybe I would end up living in my parents’ basement for the rest of my life and work at McDonald’s until I could no longer move. Taking time off of school was the first thing I ever did that I decided 100% by myself… what if it backfired?

When I moved into my dorm last month, I was so terrified that I cried in the bathroom on the 5th floor of Baker (our union) for hours. I was terrified because I didn’t know anyone and thought that I’d made a mistake on Ohio. What if I chose to leave Ohio, and transfer again? I was terrified that I would never find my place.

However, I believe that after 5 weeks, I’m slowly starting to find my place. I joined an amazing club called CHAARG. These 203 other women are supportive, kind, strong (inside and out), and have made me feel welcome in a school of 30,000 others. I love my classes, professors, and my peers. This time off (and a new major) has made me fall in love with learning. In San Diego,  I slacked off a lot, I won’t lie, and I thought I was just lazy. In all reality, I was not interested in my classes. This year, I am almost always on top of assignments, I study at night, and have only watched one movie on Netflix.  I love working on school assignments, completing readings, and I am just enjoying learning. That year gave me a second wind and a newfound love for school that had been hiding for the past few years.

I am now confident that I have nothing to worry about. I now know that I was right to take a year off because, without it, I never would have come to OU, I never would have changed my major, joined CHAARG,  or fallen in love with learning.

Life certainly changes, and if you play your cards right, it will change in all the best ways. I promise

 

Weird

I feel weird. Ohio is weird. It’s my first night here and I just feel weird. Maybe it’s the fact that my sinuses are clogged beyond repair or maybe it’s because i feel like a speck of dust floating in the air, but I feel weird.

I am all moved in, my dad has come and gone, and my roommate and I have exchanged some small talk about our home lives and old schools.

However, as I sit here on my new bedding, looking at my tidy desk and 4 dorm walls where I’ll be spending a great deal of my next 9 months, I can’t help but feel weird.

This feeling is one I’ve felt before. It’s the feeling of being in a new place. When you don’t know what to do, so you float, you just float and float and float until you are given a routine or a task or a human plucks you from thin air and says you are not dust anymore.

I don’t want to be dust. I have 2 full days before school starts and I just feel like dust. Sunday will be fine with floor meetings and involvement fairs and scoping out classes.

But tomorrow, what will be of tomorrow? I might just go out and scope out campus, maybe grab a cup of coffee and write until my heart’s content. I don’t know what will be of tomorrow,  or the days and weeks to come after; but I know one thing: I do not want to be dust.

Hello August

Happy August everyone. At the beginning of every month, I always see people making goal posts. I always make goals (small and large) at the beginning of each week, month, etc. so I figured I would jump on the bandwagon and post them here.

  • Finish dorm/school supply shopping
  • Read 2-3 books
  • Develop a workout plan for school
  • Do not spend any money unless absolutely necessary
  • Drink 64 oz of water minimum daily
  • Blog 10 times
  • Pack!
  • Spend time with friends before we go back to school.
  • Deep clean my room (my dog sheds so much everywhere so I needs to clean every square inch of my room)
  • Move into my dorm
  • Have a great first week of classes
  • Join at least 2 clubs

What are your goals for August?
Alicia

19

A year ago, I posted something about how turning 19 was irrelevant. That the 19th revolution around the sun was a pointless one separating the enticing year of becoming an adult  and getting out of your teenage years.

If a year ago I told you that 19 would have been the best year of my life so far, I would have laughed in your face. But here I am, a whole year later, reflecting on my 19th year on this earth.

A year ago I thought I would be attending Arizona State University, majoring in chemical engineering, and living with my aunt.

But here I am, after taking a gap year, getting ready to start school at Ohio University, going to school for secondary education.

This year I did a lot of things, but if there’s one thing I did that I’m most proud of, it’s making my own decisions. I had always been a go with the flow kind of girl, always trying to please. In July, however, I made a tremendous decision to not return to school in the fall, something that  recieved a bit of backlash for, people saying I would never return to college after my break. After I chose to take a break, I was able to leave a toxic job that I wasn’t comfortable with. Normally I would’ve continued with both of these things because that’s what was expected of me, but I did what was right for me and that alone made my entire year.

After convincing my entire family, I was able to volunteer in Peru for over a month, working in an orphanage with some of the cutest babies I had ever seen, and travelling and marvelling at the country as a whole.

This year for me has been the best so far, and I hope it only goes up from here. Now, as I continue to get ready for a new school and a new year, I hope you all continue to live life as I am, pulchritudinously.

 

Alicia

Also Happy Birthday to me !

Maybe next year

Something that always gets me is when people think that a new year is basically just the only time you can restart yourself or make goals for yourself or make any sort of change. Today, I was browsing facebook looking at the damage control on our country from the last 24 hours, hoping to see at least one cute dog photo in that time, and I stumbled upon this photo of a tweet that said “January was a free trial… I’ll start my new year February 1st”

The person shared it and was like “Time to restart my resolutions.” It’s funny to me that people feel the need to make goals on only the first of the year. I’m not saying that New Year’s Resolutions are overrated since I made a resolutions post but most of these Resolutions are things I had been working on before, however, these people can’t just decide they want to do something and then just do it. They have to wait 29 days or hell 10 months before they can start a new goal.

Why have we as a society, decided that people can’t have ambitions 365 days of the year? Why are we limited to 5 days or so throughout the year?

When we break a resolution (me for example and my sleep schedule haha) I had still been getting crappy sleep so last Wednesday, I was like ‘you are waking up at 8 am tomorrow and liking it.’ I didn’t need to wait until February 1st or even the next Monday to do it. I had something I wanted to accomplish, I had a goal, and I went for it. And hey, almost a week later and my sleep schedule is getting back on track.

Basically, what I’m saying is that is you have a goal jotted down on a sticky note for the start of the month, or next Monday or whatever, start it now. Start it now! And then next month you’ll be happy you did.

Pulchri-what?

I have officially forgotten how to blog. After two months of daily prompts thought up a month or so in advance and now moving to a fresh clean, promptless slate, I have forgotten how to blog. I have sat at my computer for 15 minutes because the only thing I wanted to write about was snow, candy canes, and Christmas.

So, until I regain the ability of blogging, I have decided to write a little blurb about how I chose the title of my blog (I mentioned it in an award post but I guarantee no one reads those so, I’m going to elaborate and write a new one).


Flashback to October 2015, when I first had the idea of creating a blog. After scouring the web for URL ideas, I decided on the URL buddhistvegann. I had originally planned on making my blog about transitioning into the vegan lifestyle and I wanted to talk about how I was following my the teachings of the buddha and things of that nature.

Fast forward to the beginning of June 2016, when I began my social media detox and decided to start a life I wanted to live. I created the name selflovinalicia, because I was, and still am on a journey of self-love. That name lasted for a few months but I soon decided I needed something else. I also didn’t want my name in my URL. No hate or anything to people who include their names in their URLs but it just wasn’t for me.

When I returned to social media in August or September or whenever, a friend of my mom’s commented on a photo (of my family) “What a pleasurable plethora of pulchritude.” Having never heard/seen that word I went and googled it (hoping he wasn’t calling us ugly or annoying) and I found out that pulchritude is defined as beauty. Live pulchritudinously meaning ‘live beautifully’ which is something I aspire to do on the daily, so I decided to change my blog URL to livepulchritudinously as a reminder to live a life full of pulchritude, and it’s a very good conversation starter.

So, there you have it, the reason behind my blog title.

Alicia

Ruff day

Yesterday morning I disregarded my alarm clock and decided to sleep in. At around noon (didn’t want to sleep that late) I was awoken by a vibrating phone on my nightstand. Seeing my mom’s caller ID, I answered. The first words I heard yesterday morning were “Well, do you want to come with me and do it?” from my sobbing mother. With no context, I knew it was about my dog.

My first words yesterday morning were “No, you’re kidding me.” I immediately rose from my bed, not sure if I was coherent and the message I just heard was real or not, putting pants on and walking out of my room. I sat at the top of the stairs, where my dog should have been after her vet appointment that morning, and watched as my sister got ready to leave to go to a friend’s house.

What started as a day we had hoped would discover an abscess tooth living inside my dog’s mouth soon turned into a lump in her chest and sores coating her tongue and throat.

As I sat there listening to my mother repeat the message to me, igniting my sobs from leaving my body. I trembled and shook as I learned the fate of my beloved dog. After deciding I had to say goodbye, I tried to do something with my unkempt sleep hair and swollen eyes while waiting for my mom to pick me up to head to the vet.

As I walked into the private room at the veterinary office, a sudden gust of sadness engulfed the room. As I sat on the floor waiting for the receptionist to bring my dog into the room, I remembered why I had worn sunglasses on that gloomy day, so no one could see the red clouds that were my eyes.

This was it. The second I saw my dog, sad, scared, and desperate, I was done, tearing welling in my eyes, hoping to burst past the levies and ignite a flood of emotions I wasn’t prepared to unleash.

After seeing some familiar faces, she took a seat on my lap and all I could do was hug her. Hug her for being the best dog I could ever have, hug her for being sorry that she was in so much pain, and hug her for being so strong.

After we left I cried more. I have tears staining my cheeks, my coat, my pillow, everywhere. The house is quiet and empty and every time the doorbell has been rung I expect to see her getting up to see who is there, or whenever I eat food, I expect to see her wanting some and I keep closing the bathroom door behind me, even though there is no need. It has been a weird day and I know it will be a weird few weeks or months as I get out of the habits I took 9 years to build.

I won’t be able to eat popcorn or carrots the same way again and I will miss our couch cuddles you pushing me off the couch you weren’t even allowed on.  I will miss my slippy slippy lovie girl. She was the greatest joy to come home to. Cancer sucks and I will miss and love you always.

“It is a fearful thing to love what death can touch.”