My need to lead

Hi all. It’s been a while. I have had roughly zero time to write recently. Between being gravely ill not once but twice, 7 classes which all include an obnoxious amount of work, my job, CHAARG, 4 Paws, and trying not to have more than one mental breakdown a week. Remember how last semester I told myself I wasn’t going to be pouring from an empty cup? It’s happening. So, today I wanted to come on here and figure my shit out [take a shot every time I’ve said that].

The concept of leadership is frustrating to me. I crave being a leader. I think I’m a natural born leader with a lot of self-doubt issues paired with crippling anxiety which makes me a rather awkward leader. When I’m confident about something I find leading easy. I’m able to make decisions on the fly and have the confidence in every decision I make. When I’m not so confident I tend to overthink my decisions, become indecisive, look to every possible source for advice [my whole college career], and may come off as a poor leader. I’m not sure if that’s true or if it’s my brain telling me it’s true, but it’s what I think.

Despite what my brain thinks, I always apply for leadership roles. Ever since elementary school I was involved with clubs where I looked to lead, I was on student government in leadership roles all throughout my middle school and high school careers, I was an editor for the yearbook every year I was on the staff, I was golf team captain, I was the president of AST [another club in high school] I’m a manager at work, I applied to be an RA, I’m going to be a Learning Community Leader, I’m on the exec teams of both of the organizations I’m in… I could go on. Almost every single thing I’ve ever been involved in, I’ve been a leader in it. It’s natural for me, to want more. I like to keep working up the ladder as far as I can go. This is one of the reasons I thought I’d excel in Business. I’d be CEO of a company in no time ;).

Why do I do this? Why is it that I feel the need to take on any position that comes my way? Why can’t I sit on the sidelines and let others be in charge? I think it comes from my need to have control. I didn’t really know I had control issues but it’s something I’ve come to notice as of late. I have never sat on the sidelines on anything I’ve been involved in [except for when I first join] because I crave being a leader. I don’t know if it’s because I love sharing my love for whatever I’m involved in with other people, I need to be in control, the whole “You NEED leadership experience on your resume” that’s been shoved down my throat my whole life or a mix of all three, but here I am, having just applied for my newest leadership position, CHAARG Ambassador [the equivalent of the president].

I’ll be the first to say that I’ve been conflicted on doing so. I’ve wanted to apply for Ambassador since last year when I applied for the same role. [I’m glad I didn’t get it but I didn’t know that other exec applications would go out again so I applied for what I could]. After my last semester in CHAARG, I almost didn’t return to the organization let alone exec because I was so frustrated. If I was so frustrated why would I keep moving up the ladder? Why do I still want to apply for Ambassador, intern, CLC, etc. in my future CHAARG endeavors? Obviously, I love CHAARG + all it’s done for me, so naturally, I want to keep at it. But when it’s one of my greatest stressors, is it worth it? I want to keep spreading my love for CHAARG to anyone and everyone I can despite the stress I’m under. I think If I didn’t reapply I’d regret it more than if I kept doing it and was stressed as much as I normally am.

I’ve submitted my application for Ambassador and obviously, I hope that I get the position. I’m slowly coming to terms with the fact that I may not receive it and that it’s going to be okay. I might apply for another exec position [definitely not treasurer though] or I might spend my last semesters at OU as a  regular CHAARG member, once again anticipating newsletters hitting my inbox every Sunday night at 10pm and wondering what exec has planned at all the events.

If I don’t get an exec position it will be weird.  Not having control of something for one of the first times ever will be weird. It will be good too. It will be good for me. To not be in control. Either way, I think I will be okay. I’ll need to adjust but I’ll still love CHAARG. I’ll still share my love for CHAARG. Which is what it’s all about anyway.

In my future, I’m going to need to realize that I can share my love for what I love without being in control. This may be the start of that journey and it may not. But only time will tell.

“The burdens of leadership are often heavy, but the world is a better place because we have borne them” – Barack Obama

Much Love ❤

Alicia

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