She

The feeling is one of an indescribable measure. How can you describe something where you feel so much but so little at the same time?

She washes over me a like a wave, engulfing me like a flame, bringing me down with her into that dark abyss. I can’t go back I tell her, I’ve come so far from where I once was. She doesn’t listen to me, she never does. I can never escape her, no matter how hard I try. She will always continue her chase. I try to run away but she takes my hand and drags me back down, farther back, deeper than I had ever been before.

I’m taking one step forward and five steps back. As I put on my mask of happiness for the day to cover the empty feeling writhing inside my very core, it’s back to my daily ritual. Masking my sorrow with a mask that looks almost as fake as it feels.

We all carry on with our days. People pass me by and I can’t help but wonder if they don masks too. What are they hiding? I can’t tell if I have mastered the art of hiding behind this pasted on mask or if no one cares enough to see that I’m falling apart behind it.

It’s obviously the latter she tells me. As the razor glides across my skin I look at myself and all I see is her. How did I get to this point? How did I let her envelop my very being, my entire self?

It has been years of struggle. Of letting her take me to rock bottom. This is the better life she assured me. I’m the only one who cares about you, she reiterates for the hundredth night in a row. As she caresses me every night in bed as I cry to her and tell her of my struggle, she is the only one who listens to me. She understands me, the only one who understands me. At a certain point, I start to agree with her. Maybe she’s right. Maybe she’s the only one who cares for me, understands me, loves me.

But how could that be? People say they love me. She tells me they are lying. That they feel bad for me. That she is the only one who truly cares. Day after day, I debate with what is right. Do I let her continue to love and cherish me, or do I try to get rid of her? How can I get rid of something that seems so natural, so needed. Maybe she needs me and I need her. That’s what she tells me anyway. That the two of us were went to be. And maybe she’s right.

Years of me trying to take control. Trying to loosen the grip she has on my life. Loosen the grip she has held for years. It works sometimes. Sometimes I can pry her long slender fingers from my arm and get free for a period of time. But, no matter what  I do, she always finds a way. She weasels her way back into my life. She creeps up on me when I least expect it. And she seizes me again. After I writhe in pain at her touch for a while, it becomes the norm again. She has done it again, gotten me under her spell, and despite my protests and cries for help, no one can hear me and she has total and complete control over me and my entire being.

Until next time,
Alicia

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Hectic Day, hectic week

What’s up? Me! Flying home as we speak. About a week ago, I had told myself I would blog on the plane. The ride from San Diego to Chicago is a little under 4 hours. So, why would I nap or play Sudoku on my phone for 4 hours when I could do something productive… other than homework. Wasn’t really sure what to discuss in this post, but as I sat down in my row 13 letter F seat, it hit me.

This past week has been hectic. My oh my has it been hectic. As we ascended, I knew exactly that this week has been so hectic. I mean, college itself, is now big ball of hectic, but this week, with midterms, speeches, essays, etc, especially.

I’m one of those people who packs their suitcases prior to trips about 3 months in advance. I’m not joking. The day I got back to school after winter break I had already started making a mental list and shoving some things into my suitcase for spring break. However, when the clothes you’re wearing a few days prior to departure are to be shoved inside that suitcase too, I start panicking. What if I forget my favorite pair of jeans in the hamper or my birthday gift for my sister on my desk, etc. I hope I didn’t. But, starting Monday, I had created a list on a Google doc of my schedule until I left, my packing list, and other things I had to do this week. Anyhow, I had to pack all of my things, prepare for a speech, in class essay, and do all my homework for my other classes.

So, mother nature decided to pay me a visit Monday. The fourth visit actually… in the past month and a half. Queue Michelle from Full House saying, “How rude.” Hopefully, my doctor’s appointment tomorrow fixes this unfortunate event, but until then you can catch me living in the feminine hygiene products section of Target.

Tuesday, I had my final Chemistry lab until after break, and thankfully my group finished first and got everything right, BONUS: we had no quiz either. Thank you Chemistry Gods.

That entire day, was spent cleaning my room. Being that my only class on Tuesday is Chemistry Lab and I was done for the day at 8:57am I decided to nap and get to some spring cleaning.

I cleaned everything. I mean everything. I keep having OCD tendencies and living with the biggest slob on this planet doesn’t help. I cleaned my entire fridge, freezer, microwave, and surfaces around them. After that, I mopped down my desk. My roommate uses it for a cutting board, kitchen counter, basically anything to get it dirty, so that was washed and dried as well.

Staying on my desk, I switched to organization. I went through all of my drawers and the top of my desk grabbing anything I hadn’t used to eave at home and everything I use consistently: eyebrow pencil, chapstick,etc. to also bring home.

Upon creating an absolutely spotless workspace, which I know will be dirty again by tomorrow since my roommate isn’t leaving until tomorrow, I moved onto my bed. Changing my sheets (did that this morning not Tuesday) and removing everything from underneath my bed was quite the adventure. I hadn’t done this since leaving for winter break so it was a little messy. I probably could have made a bunny with all of the hair and dust and things underneath my bed. My inner stereotypical college student was also shown upon seeing all of the granola bar wrapper piled up under there as well. And let’s not forget the curse of the missing earring back. There were more earring backs under my bed than in the entirety of a Claire’s store. Curse you 10 ear piercings. Despite all of that grossness under my bed, I finally finished.

I then moved on to color coordinating my closet and folding everything in my drawers (not that it wasn’t fine and still color-coordinated before… I just made it better) and finally my half of the room was spotless. This took a solid 2 hours to clean and make everything look presentable for myself to return to in 10 days time.

Fast forward to Wednesday. I woke up Wednesday morning, completely forgetting to have prepared anything for my in class essay. Not that we could bring anything to the essay besides an English-Spanish Dictionary, I still had wanted to have a thought or some idea of what I was writing about. I managed to compile some key points, a thesis, and examples before class. Snaps for me and waking up 4 hours before class starts.

After Spanish, I went back to my dorm only to realize that my fateful period has decided to burst through a tampon, my underwear, and favorite jeans, all within the span of 2 hours. Thank god for tide sticks and dads who know what they’re doing when it comes to laundry.

After that mishap, I had to go to my communications class, where we were giving none other than an impromptu speech. I wasn’t nervous about the speech per se, just didn’t want to walk up in front of 35 students with blood rushing down my leg. Sorry for the details. It ended up being fine, however. My speech topic was to pretend I was a famous athlete and to discuss my favorite moment in a game. I pretended I was on the Chicago Sky, the Chicago women’s professional basketball team, and that I was playing for the national title and that I was up against my top competition and ended up breaking her nose. I got a point… AN ENTIRE POINT, for fidgeting. Oops. Well, no blood on my pants,a decent score, and even went to get smoothies with friends after. Then it was time to relax. I watched 4 hours of Worst Cooks in America and got some shut eye.

Now it gets hectic. So, I woke up this morning and saw that it was only 730. I went back to bed until 9, got ready to shower, packed up my pajamas, and got in the shower. After my shower, I got all of toiletries and other things packed away, and, after laying on both of my suitcases, I was able to zip them shut. My roommate who was driving me to the airport got back from yoga at about 11:15. We had agreed upon leaving for the airport at 12. hmmmmmmm. She showered and then was getting ready as I went to our little convenient store on campus to buy food for the flight. I got back at 12 and she was still in her towel in bed. She finally gets ready and its 12:15. I go to walk my bags to the elevator and the elevator isn’t working. I have to carry my 2 suitcases, backpack, and sweatshirt down 3 flights of stairs while she runs to get her car. By the time we’re off campus it’s already 12:30 and the bumper to bumper traffic isn’t helping. With a little hint of luck and her cutting off people left and right, I was able to make it to the airport at 12:56. I cruised through checking my bags and headed to security. By the time I was done at security it was 1:32 and I had 8 minutes before boarding started. I had made it. A wave of relief washed over my body as I saw that  had time. I safely made it on board, and here I am. Next to a middle eastern man who is taking up both armrests squeezing me into the window of the plane. I guess I can’t complain, though. Despite being a B27 boarder, I still got my window seat, and at the end of the day, that’s all that matters.
I’ll be home in a matter of hours to see my sister, dog, and most importantly real food.
Talk to you soon
Alicia

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March 20th 6:25am

6:25am As the birds chirp outside my window, signifying the first day of spring, I rise from my slumber to see the time illuminated on my phone. 6:25am it reads. Why would I be up this early on a Sunday morning. I look to my right to see my roommate’s covers pulled back as she is already getting ready for the gym and yoga to follow.

6:29 my phone now reads. The chirping of birds that I heard is replaced by the running of the faucet of those early Sunday risers. Unlocking my phone and peeking at all of my messages, I begin to realize that I may never get back to bed.

6:31 I hear a skateboard cruise along the sidewalk, only creating noise as it crosses the cracks on the sidewalk.

6:37, my door swings open, my room illuminated as my roommate steps back into the room. She grabs something unknown to me and leaves the room again, the room returning back to its dark state, the only light peaking in from under the door.

6:49 the room begins to get lighter as the sun makes its way over the parking structure adjacent to my window. The sky dances with new colors signifying the new day. The pinks, oranges, and reds of the sky casting their colors across every inch of land I can see from my small window.

7:30 The sun is up completely. The brightness causing me to close my blinds slightly as my sleep filled eyes aren’t yet used to all of this light. From across the room I can hear my roommate shuffle across the floor to put her shoes on. She thinks I’m still asleep so she tip-toes across the room collecting her belongings before silently embarking on her walk to the gym.

7:32 As the door closes softly, I am left with myself, the chirping birds, and the sun. I roll over in bed and the next time I check my phone it reads 9:17am.

Until Thursday

Alicia

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P.S. Apparently my last post was my 50th post on this blog. That’s so exciting for me to have posted 50 things on here that people actually read and I can’t wait to post even more.

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Lucky Day

And no, I’m not referring to the seahorse that was supposed to win big in the 2004 hit movie Shark Tale, but I’m talking about St. Patrick’s Day.

Hi all, As I’m assuming all of you know, today is Saint Patrick’s Day. And although my Irish ancestors have cursed me with ivory skin that burns within the first 5 seconds of walking outdoors. However, they did give me a few good genes. Some of those being a love for potatoes (although I’m not quite sure who doesn’t love potatoes so…) and myself and all of my other pale skinned Irish friends have our own day to party and wear green, and pretend we’re leprechauns.

Today, I didn’t manage to leave my bed until 2:17pm, probably not due to the fact that I had no classes today, but the fact that looking outside I didn’t anyone donning green attire with face paint and stupid beads. I didn’t see people with ‘Kiss me I’m Irish” or “Kiss me I’m (pretending to be) Irish” shirts. It was a sight unlike any I’ve ever seen on this holiday.

Back home, St. Patrick’s Day is an enormous deal. The festivities begin the weekend before, as everyone and their mother heads downtown to see the Chicago River being dyed green, followed by a parade, and other events scattered across the city. For the entire week leading up to St. Patrick’s Day, everyone wears some sort of green to school (even my college friends who go to school in Chicago can attest to this statement and the ones to follow) so it not merely us high school folk) in preparation for the grand day.

When St. Patrick’s Day finally arrives, everyone goes all out. Kids show up to school decked out in festive shirts, green pants, shamrock socks and earrings, and of course not forgetting as many green beads that can fit around their necks. Some even dye their hair green for the day or sport green eye shadow, those who do are truly spirited and I give them high praises. Our school is always a sea of green and everyone, whether they are Irish or not, is Irish for the day and stoked about it.

After school, my friends and family head to a bar where my mom grew up where we are fed, and after food, music is played and Irish dancers litter the floor of the bar. They go on for hours until we finally make our way back to my grandma’s house for some of her famous corned beef and cabbage (obviously as a vegan I won’t be eating the corned beef but I do eat cabbage and potatoes).

The day is full of fun, laughter, joy, and just love for the Irish.  I guess California didn’t get the memo about how great of a country Ireland is. So, alas, I will go back to eating potatoes in my dorm and subtly cheering on one of my favorite holidays (aka wearing olive-green shirt, green bracelets, and using my minty green mouthwash).

Until Sunday
Alicia

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Here’s to New Adventures

Good evening everyone. Once again, sorry for not posting on Sunday, my planned post was to discuss my best friend coming to visit me here in San Diego for her spring break, but alas she didn’t leave until late Sunday night, and I spent all of yesterday (after class of course) sleeping. So, here we are now, about to embark in another late blog post about another tidbit of my life.

My friend who came to visit me, is from Arizona, coincidentally she also attends Arizona State University (no that’s not why I’m going there) and her spring break was last week. She visited me for her fall break (I would’ve discussed that on here too but I’m pretty sure I made this blog about a week after she left…) and she decided that San Diego and I were good enough hosts for her to return for another leap of adventure. She arrived in San Diego after my classes and (almost) daily venture to the gym and then after a few hours of watching Netflix and catching up, we went to bed.

Something I was blessed with this semester is not having classes on Thursday’s. Due to this, I do one of two things. 1. Don’t leave my bed until 3pm or 2. Get up bright and early and early and explore my city, always searching for new coffee shops to do homework and escape people.

So, Thursday we hopped on the trolley (sort of like a subway or the L for my Chicagoans) and then transferred to a bus. We ended up taking that bus all the way to its end and ended up at UCSD. Obviously we had no means or longing to be there, so we hopped back on that bus except headed the other way obviously and ended up at a mall where we got lunch. We had been on public transportation for almost 2 hours and had only been to lunch and a bus tour of UCSD. We had no idea what we wanted to do, so we opted to head to downtown La Jolla and just walk around, see the beach etc. so that’s what we did. After eating at a cute vegetarian/vegan place, we got on yet another bus and headed for La Jolla.

Upon arriving in La Jolla, I wanted to see some murals that I have seen on Facebook and heard about through the grapevine. We managed to find one (after walking in the opposite direction for a mile), which was bricks painted in all different colors, however there were cars parked in front of it, so I only got a few pictures. After that, I decided that we could walk to see a few of the other murals. After, once again walking in the wrong direction (thanks Siri) we found a sort of main street La Jolla and took that to find another mural. My friend, Marisa, wanted to see the sea lions of La Jolla, so we made the short walk over to the coast and saw a multitude of them, a few with babies even. We stayed for the Sunset, because what’s better than a sunset on the beach???? After the sunset, we found a few more murals and ended up back at the bus and took it back to Old Town, to get dinner. After dinner we took the trolley back to my dorm and passed out we were so tired.

 

We didn’t do anything on Friday, because I had class and a ton of homework. Marisa ended up visiting another one of her friends who also happened to be in San Diego for spring break, but yeah Friday was nothing special. I slept a lot and did a lot of homework. Grand day.

Saturday was a bit more eventful than Friday. I had wanted to visit a cute cafe that I had seen on a lot of my friends’ Instagrams at Pacific beach, and Marisa had wanted to play mini golf (which there is a course at Mission Beach) so we decided to spend the day at some beaches. There were wayyyyy too many Spring Breakers (not gnarly dude) at the beaches for my liking, however since it was on the colder side (60s) it was better than it could have been. We first went to Mission Beach, where we went to an arcade and I spend about $20 just to leave with a harmonica, duck fan, sticky octopus, eraser, and like some other thing that I literally have no way to describe. After that I creamed Marisa at mini golf. On that note, she was ready to leave Mission Beach to go to Pacific Beach. After taking the bus from Mission Beach to PB, we made it to Rum Jungle Cafe.  Marisa apparently is terrified of fruit and refused to eat the delicious ace bowl topped with mango, banana, pineapple, and coconut. So, I had to eat both of ours (not complaining though because fruit is the bomb). After that we walked around the pier, and around the beach also making it in time for the sunset. Finally about 830 we stopped at Denny’s for dinner. After Denny’s and about 7 trips to the bathroom after inhaling all of the iced tea I could, we boarded the bus again and headed back to campus.

On Sunday, the day Marisa left, we had no idea what we were going to do. Finally, after much debating, I looked at some coffee shops that I had not yet been to, and found some that were somewhat close and decided we would do to them. The first one we went to, called Bird Rock Coffee Roasters, was really good. I got a soy latte and the barista put a cute foam flower on top of the coffee. We didn’t stay too long before making our way to the bus station to get on the #2 bus to be dropped off right by the next shop. Much to our chagrin, the bus wasn’t on time, so we took a different bus and had to walk a mile uphill to get to the coffee shop. Needless to say I had 23 flights of stairs and was not in the mood for anymore hot coffee. We got tea and some cute vegan pasture and sat down, cooling off from our hike up that hill. Once we finally finished there, Marisa and I decided that we would take the bus back to Old town and get dinner before she left. After dinner, we got back to my dorm, I took my mail in ballot to the nearest drop box (#feeltheBern) and then Marisa left.

It was really nice to be able to see her and I can’t wait to be a mere 30 minutes away from each other in the fall.
Alicia

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Dear Body…

Dear body,
You know this already, but I have rekindled my love for exercise and eating healthy and taking care of myself. Due to this, I have also recently realized that all of my years of hating you has taken its toll.

I have spent the past 10 years hating you. I have spent the last 10 years pinching and poking at you, as if my fingers possessed some sort of magic power, granting me the ability to make you smaller and fit society’s ideals. I have spent 10 years hating what I saw in the mirror looking back at me. I have spent the last 10 years telling my mom, dad, friends etc that I did put sunscreen on when in fact I didn’t but I wanted to change the eggshell coating I was given to obtain that longed after sun kissed glow. I have spent 10 years paging through magazines, looking in awe of actresses, singers, Victoria Secret models, and other celebrities near and far, asking myself why don’t you look like them. It has come to my attention that all of this negative energy, and poking, prodding, hating, it has harmed you.

At age 14, I started counting calories. After everyone had told me you were too big, too unhealthy. After my doctor had told me your size had skyrocketed. After people had told me than you needed to be sucked in, hid under clothes, changed, tampered with, etc. Because of all of this, I only allowed 1200 calories for you every day.I did this, hoping to make you smaller, more appealing, more loved, more accepted. When in reality I was harming you, depriving you of all you needed. All you needed to keep me functioning. What I would fill you with was 1200 calories of horrible, processed garbage. I was harming you. I was eating so little and not giving you the proper nutrients for a little girl to grow, flourish, thrive. I was trying to make you smaller, prettier, tanner. I was trying to make you the complete opposite of what you were. I would always leave you wanting more, my stomach grumbling with starvation, and for a while I would not give in.

Alas, these 1200 calorie days were not feasible. So I started bingeing. I would eat a carrot for breakfast. 30 calories for the most important meal of the day. Skipping lunch and then working out trying to burn as many calories as possible. When 3pm hit, and you were sick of being empty, I would fill you with any processed foods I could get my hands on from cookies, cakes, crackers, ice cream… anything to fill up my sad and grumbling stomach. I would do this constantly and then hate myself and you for letting this happen to me.

Everything I would do to you was out of hatred. Every blade to slice open my skin, every suicidal thought, every time I would starve myself to make you more appealing, every time I would binge, was out of hatred to you. When all this time, after all of the years I hated you, you did nothing but love me. You, you were the only one to love me unconditionally after all I had been through. After everything I did to you, you continued to love me.

I never realized all you have done for me. Every day and night for 19 years you have struggles keeping me alive… Struggled keeping me healthy, sane, thriving. Trying so hard to manage on the food I was putting into you, and it was hard. It has been so hard. And I’m so sorry. Every time I put the razor to my skin because I hated  you so much, you would also try to fix yourself. Every part of my body adorned with scars show me this. Every time I would starve myself and not eat despite how many times your grumbles crying out for me to eat, you wouldn’t get mad at me. You still love me, despite everything I have done to you.

Every hateful word I have said and every harsh thing I have done to you, you have continued to love me unconditionally and keep me alive on this world. All I Have to say is that I am sorry. I am sorry for harming you. I am sorry for not loving you. I am sorry for not seeing all you have done and continue to do for me.

I am trying, body. I am trying to love you. I am trying to love you and myself. However, it’s been so hard. But I’m working on it. Nothing but good food has entered you since January 16th. My last binge was January 13th. The last time a razor touched you was September 3rd, 2015. I am working, and I am trying. Thank you for not giving up on me, despite all of the times I have given up on you. I love you.

Alicia

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Family Visits

Hi everyone, last weekend, my aunt and uncle made the venture out from Phoenix Arizona to come to visit me here in San Diego. I am so thankful that they are close enough where they can visit me for fun and get to me if something were ever to happen. Also, the fact that she’s super cool and I get to live with her in the fall is a plus. The two of them  Her came out last Friday night, picked me up Saturday morning and dropped my back off at my dorm mid morning on Sunday.

We spent the day traveling to different breweries in San Diego (a hobby of my uncle’s) among walking along the beach, checking out some stores on the coast, and finding come cool places to eat which also served vegan food. We also went on a little walk at Torrey Pines, the golf course. While my uncle and I were in awe of all of the people who get to play there and how amazing playing there would be (however if you aren’t local the $350 to play a round makes me question so much), my aunt just wanted to take a few pictures.

After visiting countless breweries (literally… I lost count after 5) and eating super yummy food, we returned to the hotel my aunt and uncle were staying in. My uncle passed out in bed in a mere 10 minutes and my aunt and I went to see Deadpool. 10/10 would recommend, however there is an R rating for a reason, so keep that in mind. But I absolutely loved it and would 100% go and see it again.

They were ‘kidnapping’ me, my aunt said and making me stay in their hotel with them.  However, the fact that I got a queen size bed, a private shower, and no need to wear shower shoes, I sure as hell will take that. Honestly, as much as I love going far away for college, the one thing I hate are the showers. I would go home for just a weekend to simply take a shower in a private bathroom, with no fear of someone going in and stinking up the entire room, and to see my dog of course.

Alas, they had to get back to Phoenix Sunday morning… you know work and school taking over out lives once again. So after my well rested night in a huge bed, and a nice shower with no shower shoes, we got breakfast and they dropped me off back at the dorm to attend to laundry and all of the homework I seemed to have forgotten existed after my day full of fun the day before..

So, I will be seeing them again soon, well not super soon but Mid May, after finals. My dad is flying to Phoenix, driving my aunt’s car out to San Diego to move me out and then drive back to put all of my stuff in my NEW ROOM IN MY AUNT’S HOUSE. That’s so crazy. Update on all of that, my cousin who lives with my aunt has a room sort of separate from the rest of the house. He is moving out of the house in a month and that will become my room. So, if I ever get home after they go to bed, I won’t have to worry about them being woken up and I can have my privacy and keep my business to myself while still living with them and being able to have puppies, free food, and family close by. So, it’s nice and I am excited for the fall.

Well, talk to you all soon. Hopefully Thursday.
Alicia.

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